Tragedy and Torment
by i-love-svu
Summary: A story about how Julie deals with Marissa's death. JulieJimmy in the last chapter. Rated for language
1. The beginning of it all

It had been five grueling months since Marissa Cooper's death. Things had been a spiral of emotions; grief, anger, unbelieving. No one felt these things more than Julie Cooper.

Julie wasn't one to show her feelings very often. It took a lot to upset her; the death of her eldest daughter most certainly fell into that category. She had received the news of her daughter's death at 2:34 in the morning. It was a moment that she would never forget. The hospital had called at that exact time, waking Julie from her light slumber. They refused to give out any information over the phone, which has managed to fully awaken and later piss her off. She drove to the hospital alone, leaving Neil sleeping soundly in the bed by himself. Inside the building there were very few people; nurses, a doctor. Not unusual considering it was almost three o'clock.

She had been ushered into a doctor's personal office, despite her frantic questions about her daughter. The doctor had tried to sugarcoat the news; he truly had. He delivered the tragic report in a soft voice, a voice that he reserved for extremely bad news. Almost instantly, he saw that Julie was different than most people after receiving bad news. She sat perfectly still in the green plastic chair, statue-like. The color drained from her face but she wouldn't allow herself to cry. No way in hell was she going to let someone see the tears fall from her eyes.

Possibly the worst part of that night, even more horrible than finding out that her daughter was dead, was having to identify Marissa's body. Julie remembered walking into the cold, dimly lit room without a word. Marissa was lying on the sleek metal pull-out drawer, her eyes closed and her skin so pale it was frightening. For the first time in nearly five years, Julie saw that her daughter looked peaceful. She clenched her jaw to stop the tears that were rapidly threatening to fall, and nodded solemnly to the doctor. He jotted something down and showed Julie to the door; once outside of the room, he handed her a few papers. The brunette placed them in her purse without even a glance at them. The doctor continued talking, but his words were distant, distorted. She couldn't decipher what he was saying not matter how hard she tried. Julie tuned around and strode away from him, leaving the man standing behind her with a confused look upon his face.

She slowly drove home, in no rush to get back to the house she shared with her fiancé. Everything would be different now, every goddamn thing, and she realized that. There were too many thoughts rushing through her mind. The brunette barely missed hitting the mailbox at the end of their driveway, that's how distracted she was. Slamming the car door, Julie glanced up at the massive house and saw a light come on in what she assumed to be the bedroom she shared with Neil. A sigh escaped her lips as she strode into the house, not allowing herself to show that anything was wrong.

Neil stood in the doorway of the kitchen; his aged face showing the fact that he really wasn't fully awake. Julie looked at him and something inside of her broke. She choked back a sob as she told him softly, "Marissa's dead."

* * *

Julie sat on the edge of her bed reflecting back on the five months. It all seemed like a blur; as if she had been drunk for five months solid and only remembered bits and pieces of the happenings during those months. In her hands, she clenched an oversized sweatshirt that said "Harbor" in bold yellow letters. It had been Marissa's shirt, a shirt that she wore to almost every school function. The shirt even smelled like her daughter; lavender and vanilla. She swallowed, burning her throat. Tears came to her eyes and she placed the shirt on the bed. She walked into the bathroom, her face as unemotional as ever, and she opened the medicine cabinet.

The orange bottles with various colored labeled seemed inviting at the time. As if one pill would cure all her problems. Julie didn't think things through as she reached for one of the bottles; or maybe she did think things through and just didn't give a damn. Either way, it was a bad choice. She placed the pill on her tongue, waited a moment, and swallowed it. It scraped down her throat, making the brunette wince. Julie contemplated how long it would take the pill to go into effect. She stood in front of the mirror and waited ten minutes without feeling anything. Giving up on the tiny pill, she strode back into the bedroom and sat down on the bed.

Julie's cell phone rang, causing her to jump. She answered it, hastily and shakily. "Hello?" Her voice was quiet, yet revealed that she wasn't having the best day.

"Julie, it's Kirsten. Do you have a moment?"

"Sure." Julie responded in a tone that gave away she really wasn't listening. She was too distraught and much too tired of, quite frankly, all the shit in her life.

"I'm having the girls over this afternoon for tea and just thought I would invite you," Kirsten smiled even though she knew the brunette couldn't see her. Smiling while one is talking always makes your voice friendly, whether you're in person or on the telephone.

Julie's face turned from expressionless to a grimace. "Oh, Kirsten, I appreciate the invite. I really do. It's just… I'm busy today."

"Busy?" Kirsten asked, not believing the excuse. "Doing what, Julie? Lying in your bed?"

Julie bit her lip to hold back her emotions, and the blonde realized that her statement had been both cruel and very unlike her.

"I'm sorry, Julie. I didn't mean it like that," Kirsten apologized quickly. "Please, come over?"

"Kiks, I'm busy today. Maybe next time." Julie ended the call before the blonde could say anything else.

As her head hit the pillow, Julie was positive it was going to be one of those bad days. Something about what had happened that morning, looking back on the day she learned of her daughter's death, just told her it was going to be a horrible day.

* * *

"Goddamn you, Neil," Julie angrily spat. "If you could just see what an ass you're being…"

Julie and Neil, the once semi-perfect couple, were now standing in their kitchen on opposite sides of the room and having a fight. Although this fight was more heated than the rest, it wasn't unusual. After Marissa's death, Julie drastically changed. She stopped wearing the in style clothing and almost always sported pajama pants. She hardly ever spoke and when she did, it wasn't exactly pleasant. But they both noticed that today she was different; more so than ever. She was unleashing every ounce of her rage on Neil, and it was extremely unjustifiable considering he had nothing to do with the brunette's emotional state.

"Julie, calm down." Neil cautiously took one step toward her.

"Stay the fuck away from me." Her voice was low and irate. "I'm so tired of your imperious bullshit."

"Julie!" Neil raised his voice to get her attention. "Calm down."

The brunette scoffed and walked out of the room, leaving Neil to wonder just how far off the deep end his fiancée had gone.

* * *

Her pale and tear stained cheeks did not come as a surprise when she looked in the mirror. Julie found that she often either cried herself to sleep, or sobbed while sleeping. She wasn't sure what the case was that particular day, and honestly, she didn't care. What did it matter if she had been crying? It wasn't different from any other night.

"Julie?" A voice called from outside the bathroom door.

"What now?" Julie replied in an annoyed tone. She began brushing her hair, the tiny knots snagging in the black hairbrush and making her cringe.

Neil slowly opened the bathroom door, an apologetic look covering his face. "Julie, I'm sorry about earlier."

He knew perfectly well that he had nothing to be sorry for. But apologizing, he assumed, might make Julie less angry. He figured it was at least worth a shot.

"Fine."

"Do you forgive me?" He asked, leaning against the doorframe.

Julie sighed and slammed the hairbrush onto the marble sink. "Yes."

"Are you hungry?" Neil inquired, hoping maybe he could get her to eat something. She very rarely ate and it was becoming noticeable.

"No, I'm fine." The brunette brushed past him, her jaw clenched in visible rage. "I'm going back to sleep."

Neil sat on the edge of the bed with a small grin, attempting to cheer her up. "Wouldn't you like to go outside? Maybe swim for a while?"

"No!" Julie shouted. She pulled the blankets up over her head. "Just please, leave me alone."

"Julie, you cannot keep doing this," Neil started.

The brunette shoved the blankets off of her and sat straight up.

"Yes, I know. I can't not eat and I can't stay in the house forever, can I? What the hell am I supposed to do?!" She grabbed a handful of the comforter; it was something she had recently started doing to vent her pain. Taking her rage out on the blanket meant she wasn't taking her rage out on the people she knew were just trying to help her. "Marissa is dead, Kaitlin's running off with God only knows who. You're never home. Explain to me Neil, just what it is that you want me to do."

Neil was speechless. He tried to figure out what he could say in response but nothing seemed fitting. Giving up, he shook his head and left the room.

"And if you're not home," Julie continued, "You're running away from me. Just like you are now."

He stopped walking as he sensed she had more to say.

"Everyone wants me to get out of the house, to go out and do something. Yet no one wants to be around me." Julie sniffled quietly. "Go on, leave. Just leave me alone."

"Julie—"

"God damnit, leave!" She screamed at him.

As he left the room, she flung herself back onto the pillows and allowed herself to cry. Julie realized she must've been difficult to live with. But he wasn't even trying. She suspected he had a girlfriend, the way he acted whenever he left the house. Of course she never said anything, but it was apparent in her mind that she was more screwed up than had thought. And it appeared that Marissa's death had increased this at an alarming rate.

Still sobbing, Julie pulled the blankets up over her head, shutting herself out from the world. It was something she had done for five months; and planned to continue doing until someone stepped in to help her.


	2. Help

**Disclaimer in chapter one**

**Author's Note: Feedback is very appreciated!**

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* * *

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That someone, the one to help her, wasn't exactly who she had imagined. Actually, they were not who she had imagined. The day after the massive fight between Julie and Neil, none other than Jimmy Cooper showed up.

Neil answered the door when Jimmy knocked, and greeted the man standing on the porch with a handshake. They had made an arrangement over the phone; Jimmy, being the only person Julie really listened to, would help her get started on recovering from Marissa's death. It had been mutually agreed that Julie could not know of this understanding. They realized that it would only make things worse, and worse was definitely something Julie did not need.

"Jimmy, how did you get here so fast?" Neil inquired quietly as he led the way to the bedroom.

Jimmy shrugged. "I'm not entirely sure myself. After you called I went into panic mode and got the first flight available." He chuckled softly. "I actually got here around 3 in the morning, got a room in a hotel, which was stupid because I didn't sleep."

"That makes two of us."

Neil stopped just outside the bedroom door and lowered his voice even further. "It's bad, Jimmy. She hardly ever leaves the room. When she does, she's so depressed she doesn't talk to anyone."

"I'll take care of it," Jimmy responded, his voice just as low as the older man's. "I'll deal with her and leave, so you can work things out."

Neil nodded his appreciation and strode away, leaving Jimmy standing outside the door. When the older man was out of sight, Jimmy slowly opened the door.

It was completely dark inside the room. Not a speck of light could be seen. Jimmy felt the wall to his left, looking for a light switch; his fingers hit the switch, filling the room with the blinding illumination. A groan came from the bed, a quiet yet audible moan of either pain or a hangover. He wasn't sure which.

"Julie?"

"What the hell do you want?" Julie's muffled voice responded.

As he neared the bed, Jimmy saw his ex-wife lying face down on the bed. The blankets covering her crumpled figure entirely and he felt his breath catch in his chest. He hadn't even seen her yet and he knew that she really wasn't well.

"Julie, it's Jimmy."

It took the brunette a moment to awaken fully; she flipped the blankets off her of body, winced as the bright light stung her eyes, and as she saw Jimmy it was a roller coaster of emotion. The two substantial emotions were anger and sorrow.

"Jimmy." She whispered. "What are you doing here?"

"Kaitlin called me," Jimmy lied. "She said you needed me and I didn't question it."

Julie blinked quickly as tears flooded her eyes. She didn't want to deal with this; she wasn't ready. Something about Jimmy told her that she needed to approach Marissa's death while he was there. They both knew what she needed; it was just figuring out how to deal with everything.

The brunette switched into her stubborn mode. It was either a side effect from the various medications her doctor has prescribed, or she really was just being obstinate. "I appreciate you coming here, _James_, but really, I'm fine."

With a sigh, she pulled the blankets back up over her head. She fully intended to go back to sleep and forget all about Jimmy's surprise visit. The man sitting on the edge of her bed, however, had different plans.

"Jules, come on." Jimmy gently nudged her to wordlessly let her know that he wasn't going anywhere until she was ready to cooperate.

"Leave me the fuck alone," Julie snarled from underneath the covers.

Jimmy was taken back. In their seventeen years of marriage, he had never heard her use that sort of language. Not even during her worst mood swings. If he hadn't been determined before seeing her in this state, he sure the hell was now.

"Julie, I am not leaving until we get things sorted out."

The brunette peeked out from under the blankets at Jimmy. She looked so tired and pissed off that it was scary. "Jimmy, I'm serious. Leave me alone."

"I'm serious too," Jimmy replied. "Don't you see that? I care about you, Julie. And right now you are not taking care of yourself. So I'm here to do it for you."

Julie scoffed angrily. "You know, if you weren't the immature one, I just might believe that." She pulled herself to the edge of the bed and sat there for a moment, lowering her long legs slowly until her feet hit the shag rug. She hung her head, her hair falling around her face. There was no way she was ready to deal with this; no matter what Jimmy said, she would not sort things out with him here.

"I don't know Neil has lasted these five months with you, the way you're acting." Jimmy decided to play on her level; to be the male equivalent of a bitch. "I've only been here ten minutes and I can hardly stand another second."

"Christ," Julie muttered under her breath. "Then leave, Jimmy. Make both of us happy and get the fuck out."

Jimmy stood up from the bed and began walking back in forth on "his" side of the bed. "Nice language there, Jules. Good thing Kaitlin didn't hear that; she wouldn't know what to think of you."

"Am I really supposed to care?" Julie spat back. She never raised her head; her eyes remained fixed upon the floor. "Marissa is dead, Jimmy. She's dead and while I cry myself to sleep at night, Kaitlin is out partying and doing God only knows what. What does it matter what she thinks of me?"

Shaking his head, Jimmy sat down next to Julie. _"Here goes,"_ He thought hopefully.

"You are her mother," He started, keeping his voice a soft tone. "I know that deep down you do care what she thinks."

"Why is that she's my daughter and she's not even here with me? Aren't daughters supposed to be with their mothers when they're needed?" Julie inquired. Her voice had lost its infuriated edge and now she just sounded hurt and miserable. There was even a hint of regret.

Jimmy wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close to him. He was close to getting her to breakdown and no matter how awful it sounded, that is just what she needed. She took fistfuls of his shirt in her hands, fighting back the tears she didn't want to fall.

"Julie, honey, it's okay to cry you know." He gently moved his hand up and down her back to soothe her. "I'm here for you."

Julie buried her face in his chest, allowing herself to cry. Her warm tears soaked through his shirt as she sobbed. It almost made her sick to think that her ex-husband, the man who had embezzled millions of dollars from people they had considered their friend, the one who ran off to Hawaii and almost married their neighbor's sister, this man was the one who made her feel safe. He was able to lend her a shoulder to cry on, after prying and making her feel bad, but that didn't matter; she was able to cry and get started on recovering. And Jimmy was the one who had made it possible.

Neil appeared silently in the doorway and watched as Jimmy managed to comfort the miserable brunette. Jimmy saw the older man standing there and gave him a small nod to signify their plan had worked. Neil returned the gesture then disappeared again, closing the door behind him.

"My baby's dead," Julie sobbed. "It's not fair…"

Jimmy refocused on Julie, his hand continuing up and down her back in a soothing motion. "It'll be okay, Julie. I'll make sure of it," He whispered in her ear as she cried quietly.

As his words hit her, Julie felt comforted to know that he was there. And a moment later, despite the tears streaming down her face, she didn't have a doubt in her mind that he meant what he had said.


End file.
